new day, is it?

well, today is the first day of 2011.

instead of celebrating - having party - get drunk - and hardly can walk, I spent my new year eve at home. with the family.

it started with the news that starts from February daddy will not be working in Borneo, he will move here again with the family. that's good since mommy doesn't have to spend a lot of money to go there visiting daddy.

talking about wishes on 2011. simple.

Graduated. get a job.

I know

I know where i walk

I know where i belong

I know why i run

I know why i hide

I know how it works

I know what i'm fighting for

I know what i'm arguing about

I know what i'm praying for

I know what i'm asking for

I know what i'm trying to

I know what i believe in

I know what i'm doing

and I know why i'm standing here, right now, against you.

do I?

The Four Brothers

Balinese believe we are each accompanied at birth by four invisible brothers, who come into the world with us and protect us throughout our lives.

when the child is in the womb, her four siblings are even there with her - they are represented by the placenta, the amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord and the yellow waxy substance that protect an unborn baby's skin. when the baby is born, the parents collect as much of these extraneous birthing materials as possible, placing them in a coconut shell and burying it by the front door of the family's house. according to the Balinese, this buried coconut is the holy resting place of the four unborn brothers, and that spot is tended to forever, like a shrine.

the child is taught from earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. the brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength, and poetry. the brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. when you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

(taken from: Eat.Pray.Love p.250)

the it means, now i have 8 brothers. i already have 4 brothers with me, i mean the literally-physically brothers then i found that i also have 4 brothers that are already with me everywhere i go even when i was still in my mother's womb.

this four brothers belief is also a basic belief of the four brothers meditation. when you're doing this meditation, you will be able to meet them but it is not that easy, said Ketut Liyer (a medicine man). but anyway, they'are still our brothers though so we dont need to talk in a formal way and we can talk to them anytime.

am i different?

i often have a different point of view and ways of thinking compared to my whole family. and this kind of thing often cause me fight with my brothers or even my parents. well..yea, it also happens to every family out there but i dont know why this thing (sometimes) makes me like isolated from my own family. it feels like i cant reach them. maybe i'm wrong but everyday i prefer to spend (almost) all of time outside so that i dont need to spend a quality time with the family. and i do feel so bad about it.

i take a bath as soon as i wake up in the morning. i dress up and go to campus or working. around 4 pm, i go to my student's home and give him a private teaching session. when the evening come, i usually spend my time with my loved one. everyday i get home after 10pm, take a bath, then sit in front of my laptop working on my assignment till 2 or 3 am. and sleep. when i wake up i always do the same thing.

when Sunday comes, i clean the house in the morning and help my mom cook the lunch. sometimes we share stories and even gossips. but i still feel that sometimes isn't right between me and her.

i do miss my family sometimes. but when i try to mingle with them, i feel lost. i dont know what they talk about. there's also times when i dont even know the topic is and when i ask them, they just blame me for not being home and dont recognize the hottest issue between them. i know i might be wrong, but i try so hard to understand and tolerate everything. well, they might also do the same way but we just dont meet. and once again i feel bad about it.

i do love my family but i just cant stand our fights. well, it might be my fault for not spending enough time with the family so i can not understand them.

but one thing for sure. i love them more than anything.

He still the same God

when i was a kid, I learned that religion was something that (supposed to) puts us together. religion could make all the differences disappear because we are actually the same.
when I grow up, i found out that religion can also be the main reason and factor to separate one from another. the thing gets worse when there is a woman/man falls in love with another woman/man who believes in a different religion. The parents will usually get mad and ask them not to see each other anymore. as a son/daughter, they will feel like they have to choose between their parents and their loved one. they cant have them both.
Because of this thing, many couples prefer to runaway from their family, move to another city or even another country to stay together with their boy/girlfriend (and soon become wife/husband).
in some cases, the parents' heart will melt away as soon as the couples have a son/daughter but there are also many cases where the parents still cant accept their son/daughter even though their son/daughter is already have children.

do the parents know that their rejection is killing their son/daughter?

some parents use the word "protection" and "love" for their reason. but hey, for God's sake, we are grown ups. let us solve our problems in our own way. thanks for giving us the lesson of life and it is the time we apply what we learn.

why is it so hard for you to accept the differences?
even though we call Him with different names and praise Him with different ways but He is still the same God.

my birthday but definitely not my day ( at all !)

my birthday. yes! i'm turning 23 today.

everybody wishes that i would have awesome one. well...it seems like God doesn't think the way my friends think.

i woke up with a smile carved on my face. i replied some messages from friends then suddenly my cell phone rang. LTC called and asked me to come to do several things at 11.
i took a bath then i walked to campus. i had an appointment with one of Law Faculty English teacher. i was about to interview him as the source of my thesis but after 60 minutes of waiting, he didn't show up. it was already 11 so i went to LTC directly (without having breakfast!)

when i walked to LTC, my sandal was broken. i just took them off and i walked bare-footed

after doing this and that, i packed all of my things and prepared to go home but a very heavy rain came (and haven't finished until now). i waited again. then, my boss came and asked me what i'm doing and i said nothing. she replied "ok, could you please edit these for me, i need them as soon as possible" then i said yes. (emang bisa jawab apa lagi?)

and now, i'm still here, in my office, doing several things and the heavy rain is still out there. and my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me (for a reason i cant explain here).

today is my birthday. i wished to have the awesome one but i don't.
well...that's okay though :)

so happy birthday dini, older means wiser. keep fighting in order to survive.

me is enough for me

6 months left. i have to graduate by July 2011. but i still sit here, in front of my laptop and doing nothing. i dont know what to do and where to start.

and at the same time, my parents (and people around me) keep asking me how my thesis is going, i still give them the same answer i gave 3 months a go. still collecting the data.

do you think i dont feel intimidated by the graduation of friends of mine? of course i do! that's why i dont need more 'pushy action' to push me. just let me take a little air to my lungs then i'll get back to work.

support. one thing that i badly need right now. do i sound like a little girl that always need people to back her up in every condition? well..maybe i do, but so what?

i do need a motivator at the time like this.

...

2 days ago. i found a good quotation from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. i dont remember it word by word. she said that there will one time in your life when you realize that sometime you only have yourself to guide, accompany, support or even love you!

and yes, i also found it true. i walked through some moments of my life when there wasnt anyone to lean on, to rely on. and i made it. i survive til today.

sometimes, i just dont realize how strong i am in bearing pain and troubles and sadness.

...

then, now i question myself.

dini, if you can face your past problems that was so much bigger than (just) your thesis and your unexplainable boredom, why are you giving up now?

get up. stand up. and face it! because there isnt any other way than that. give a little trust to yourself that she can make it. trust yourself!!

and dini, if you dont want to have other people push you then push yourself!

if no one is there when you need them, that's not your problem. you are the only person that can support yourself. you dont need another people to do that for you.

you is enough for you.

This is YOUR life!

do what you love. and do it often.

if you dont like something. change it.

if you dont like your job. quit.

if you dont have enough time. stop watching TV.

if you're looking for the love of your life. stop.

they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

stop over analyzing. all emotions are beautiful.

when you eat. appreciate.

life is simple. every last bite.

open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people. we are united in our differences.

ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dreams with them.

travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.

some opportunities only come once. seize them.

life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.

life is short. live your dream and wear your passion.

Eyes on Merapi.

saya rasa seluruh indonesia juga sudah tau kalo 26 oktober 2010 merapi erupsi. bencana yang tadinya tidak begitu diperhatikan orang banyak, mungkin karena hampir semua orang mengira kalo bencana ini ga akan berlangsung lama. sepertinya hampir semua orang mbatin "ah..paling besok juga udah reda, trus tar bakalan banyak dompet peduli kasih ato apalah itu". ternyata merapi tidak hanya erupsi hari itu saja, beberapa hari setelah itu pun sang merapi masih saja belum puas mengeluarkan isi perutnya.


jarak aman pengungsi yang tadinya hanya sekitar 15km pun akhirnya harus direlokasi sejauh 20km (sampai hari ini). pengungsi pun semakin banyak.


tapi beberapa warga bahkan masih sempat untuk bolak-balik ke desa nya untuk memberi makan ternak dan ketika ditanya mengapa, mereka hanya menjawab "nanti kalo merapi sudah reda, kami cuma punya ternak untuk membantu kami bertahan hidup, karena rumah dan segalanya sudah hilang terbakar"



sawah jadi abu-abu. pohon jadi abu-abu. jalanan jadi abu-abu. hangus. terbakar. hilang. dan perasaan pun juga jadi abu-abu. Earth doesn't provide any other color.

dampak erupsi merapi pun ga cuma di Jogja, kota-kota disekitar jogja pun ikut merasakan hujan abu dari letusan sang merapi. semua orang di kota saya pun mulai memakai masker. anehnya, ada orang yang dengan teganya menjual masker dengan harga 10 x lipat harga semula. what the hell are they thinking??!!


bukan hanya aliran bantuan dana dan makanan saja yang mengalir tapi manusia-manusia pun berbondong-bondong pergi kesana untuk membantu. melakukan apa saja yang bisa mereka lakukan untuk para pengungsi. sedikit ironis memang, ternyata kita bisa begitu bersatu ketika ada bencana. betapa kita bisa memperlakukan orang lain seperti saudara karena bencana.


semua mata menatap merapi. semua tangan mengatup, berdoa, memohon ampun pada Si empunya kehidupan. semua nafas tertahan melihat nafas panas sang merapi meniup, menghancurkan, meratakan desa-desa dikakinya. bahkan mengambil mereka tak cukup sigap untuk menyelamatkan diri. maka korban jiwa pun bertambah.

*gambar-gambar di atas saya ambil dari google, tidak ada satu pun yang asli jepretan saya.

Mt. Bromo

stop complaining. start thanking.

sometimes i have to lose something in order to get the better one. this is something that i label as a sacrifice. at first i do feel really hurt by the pain but as the time goes by, i get used to the 'new situation'.

then everything back to normal.

sometimes i have to lose something so that i can put more respect and appreciation when it returns.

but whatever it is, i should thank God for everything i have for someone out there might pray to have what i have now.

dear, parents

please, dont blame me when i cant do something that you expect me to do.
dont shout at me to make me understand for i'm not deaf and i'm your daughter.
dont push me when we dont have the same opinion for i have my own right to think and decide.

please, put a little trust on me, i can do this. i can handle this. i just need a little trust from you. is that too much to ask?
yes, i know. i made a huge mistakes, but it was already 7 years a go!
i know that was hrd for you, but that was also hard for me.
so why dont we try to work everything out?

i love you so goddamn much mom,dad. and i know you do. so please, do me a favour.
i do need your support.

please wait a little while, i'll make you proud.
so please, trust me! since i badly need that.

i've told you before.

I've told you so many times. I'm not a good person. not at all!

I've told you not to try me. don't test my patience but you still did it! I'm a kind of person that loves to keep the anger. not forgiven nor forgotten.

honestly, i kinda feel sorry for you now, i really feel bad but you pulled the trigger and start the war.

I've told you a thousand times. when you do good, you'll get the better. when you do something bad, you'll get the worse.

I've told you. you're not Alice in Wonderland!

insomnia

bosan.

mungkin karena lelah. ga pernah tidur cukup. cuma 3 jam hari ini!

ngantuk! lama-lama bisa ancur badanku kalo kaya gini terus.

take a sleeping pill, they said.
no, it's addictive, i said.

jadi gimana?!!

six years of insomnia, it has been too long.
my body just cant take it any longer.

nothing is free!

we should pay for everything we take and we do. it is not merely about money. hukum karma berlaku di sini, that everything you do, it will come back to you.

and now, after everything you've done, countless affair and lies, it's the time to pay the "debts". crying will never be enough since you already lose that worthful relationship. there's nothing you can do to take it back. now just enjoy the impacts of everything.

pagi ini

ga tau kenapa saya ga begitu bersemangat hari ini.

malas

lemah

letih

lesu

pengen pulang lagi, balik ke kamar saya yang berantakan kaya kandang tapi sumpah nyaman banget...

pengen pulang lagi, balik ke kamar saya dan tidur lagi...

missing you!

this feeling is driving me even crazier.
i need to see you. need to hold you but i cant.
you're just too far away from here.
i need you to come home!
i need you to be here!

but i cant push you, you have to be there to make a living.
i should hang on. i know i can.

miss you like hell sayang.

try to see from other's perspective.

maaf kelakuanmu ga masuk akal buat aku.

logikamu kayanya ga sejalan dengan logikaku.

dan aku ga mau memaksakan logikaku ke kamu. buat apa?

aku juga udah mencoba melihat dari sudut pandangmu tapi maaf tetap ga masuk akal buat aku.

feel home when you're around

i always happy when i see these shoes. it simply means that papa is home. being under the same roof with him after such a long time i didn't see him. i can see him in the morning, have a breakfast with him, listen when he is complaining everything.

i feel home.

Aku bukan temanmu.

Aku bisa dengan percaya diri mengatakan bahwa aku adalah aktris handal. Bukan karena aku seharusnya berakting di beberapa film dan kemudian mendapatkan penghargaan. Bukan.

Tapi lebih karena aku bisa ikut menangis bersamamu padahal sebenarnya aku sedang menari-nari di atas lukamu.

Lebih karena aku bisa terlihat sangat tulus menolongmu padahal aku sedang menuntunmu ke tepi jurang, mendorongmu jatuh dan berkata *ups….ga sengaja*

Lebih karena aku bisa memberikan senyum yang menguatkanmu sambil merangkai rencana jahat buat kamu.

Lebih karena saat aku merangkulmu, saat itulah aku bersiap untuk menusukmu.

Jadi lebih baik buka matamu sekarang sebelum terlambat dan kamu menemukan dirimu sudah berlutut dan mencium kakiku.

Jahat? Ah ga juga…
Aku toh cuma sekedar memberikan hasil panen dari bibit yang kamu tanam.
Aku toh Cuma sekedar mengembalikan apa yang dulu kamu berikan. Hanya saja aku mengembalikannya dalam jumlah yang lebih banyak. Jauh lebih banyak.

One thing for sure, you mess up with the wrong person, little girl.

Hmm… *snif snif*
I can smell victory :)

blue sky

entah kenapa, saya selalu merasa tenang kalo liat langit....rasanya masalah-masalah saya itu ga perlu dikhawatirkan, there's nothing to worry cos everything is gonna be okay!

the sky, in a way, makes me realize that God is there, looking and taking care of me. that's why i always enjoy when im in any flight..being in the middle of the sky. the cloud just a few meter away, feels like i can reach it in my hand. i feel so free.

museum kereta api, ambarawa

saya sudah tinggal di salatiga for my whole life....tapi saya jarang banget pergi ke museum ini...well it's actually a very nice place to visit and i just found out few weeks a go.

museum ini menyediakan kereta wisata, it's quite cheap...only Rp 10.000 per person and they give u great scenery to see :)

women's strenght

*saya mengutip tulisan tanpa mengurang rasa hormat dan kagum saya pada pria2 hebat dalam hidup saya, papah, kakak, adek dan dia. tidak juga untuk membuat para wanita menjadi merasa superior*

lelaki adalah mahkluk yang lemah.
kami diberi fisik yang lebih kuat dari wanita untuk menutupi perasaan kami yang sebenarnya rapuh dalam menghadapi cobaan hidup.
seperti sang bima dalam tokoh wayang yang kasar dan berangasan. tapi ya hanya kekasaran itu yang kami punya.
mungkin itulah sebabnya kelima pandawa masih membutuhkan seorang drupadi untuk mengetatkan simpulnya dalam menghadapi cobaan dalam hidup.
jangan jadikan ini sebagai ajaran untuk mempunyai banyak istri.
inilah adalah penghormatan untuk para wanita.
betapa besarnya kekuatan yang tersimpan dalam tubuh mereka.

(taken from Putri, Putu Wijaya)

saya jahat?

sering sekali saya menanyakan pertanyaan ini ke diri saya sendiri. apakah saya jahat? apakah kata2 yang keluar dari mulut saya sering kali buat orang sakit hati atau bahkan menyimpan dendam dan membuat orang menunggu2 kapan saya lengah dan mereka pun membalas? apakah mungkin perlakuan ga enak dari beberapa orang ke saya ini merupakan "pengembalian" dari apa yang saya lakukan dulu?

sampai sekarang pun saya ga dapet jawabannya. seperti layaknya setiap manusia yang jarang merasa bersalah, saat ini pun saya tidak (begitu) merasa bersalah.
tapi toh masalah salah dan benar itu adalah sesuatu yang sangat relatif dan flexible. malah menurut saya di dunia ini ga ada tuh yang namanya salah dan benar. yang ada itu cuma kepentingan yang menguntungkan. ketika sesuatu tidak menguntungkan bagi kita, kita cenderung mengatakan hal itu salah, tapi ketika kita diuntungkan maka secara sadar atau pun ga sadar, kita akan menganggap bahwa sesuatu itu benar.
ga ada batasan yang jelas memang.

dalam hal salah-benar ini mungkin saya memang harus bertanya kedalam. apakah yang saya lakukan ini benar? apakah saya menyakiti orang lain? apakah saya tertawa bahagia diatas penderitaan orang lain?

ah..semoga saja tidak..