rainbow after 12 hours of working

Birthday. Christmas. New Year

though I celebrated my birthday, Christmas and New year far away from home, and alone, it didn't turn out as bad as i thought. it was quite fun instead. 

i got a - bit - late - tiramisu cake for my birthday from friends at my workplace and honestly, they made me run into tears :)

at the end of December, i moved to a temporary house along with all girls. the house was small yet beautiful with pine forest at the backyard, completely kind of house that i wanna buy once i have the money. despite of the fact that the distance from the house to my workplace was quite far, meant i had to wake up way earlier than before, but i did enjoy the house and everything. 

few days before new year's eve, i went back to the Camp. it was good since i started to miss my messy room there. 

i didn't do anything special on new year's eve. well, i went to a cafe with some friends but we just sat there, enjoying the drink we ordered and did nothing, really. 

 well, everybody seems having resolutions for 2012 so i will try to create mine though i never did even once in my life.
i hope this year, i will be able to travel to places that i always dream on, able to help people, and able to perform better at work.
ah....one more, i want more tattoos on my body.
what else? hhmmm... i'm running out of wishes :p
anyway, i just wanna be a better me. in every single way.
so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year fellas. hope this year brings along happiness and success for y'all.


KEEP DREAMING and CHEERS!!

own your own heart, or the devil will

pointing your finger at others

putting the blame on someone else's face

talking about someone's weakness behind their back

acting as if you're the one who play everything correctly

blowing up others' mistakes as if you never commit even once!

dancing on else's tears

you know what? 

they forgive you

people whom you put the pain on, they forgive you.

they know that you just don't want anybody looks smarter, nicer, or even greater than you.

that's why they forgive you.

in fact, they put a pity on you.

are you proud of everything you have done?

if your answer is yes, then you don't have a heart.

are you not a human then?

older. (should be) wiser.

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. i had no celebration, no cake, no 'makan-makan'. it's  only me and myself. i still remember my last birthday when my ex-boss told me that i had to work till late at the office, my boyfriend was mad at me, and it rained hard. it definitely wasn't the best birthday. this year, i celebrate my birthday with a cup of coffee and cigarettes. having a silent birthday wasn't that bad though.

Walaupun saya jauh dari rumah, tapi untungnya sekarang teknologi sudah maju. jadi ucapan-ucapan dari teman dan keluarga cukup membuat ulang tahun saya jadi sedikit cerah. tahun-tahun kemaren papah selalu memberi ucapan lewat telepon, padahal ya tiap hari ketemu di rumah. papah bukan orang yang bisa mengekpresikan kasih sayang secara terang-terangan jadi beliau selalu menelpon saya ketika beliau sudah sampai di kantor dan ketika sudah sampai di rumah pun ya tidak pernah membahas bahwa hari itu adalah hari ulang tahun saya. tahun ini, papah memberi ucapan lewat facebook. ucapan dari papah cukup membuat saya terharu dan hampir menangis

kakak saya, glagah, juga biasanya hanya mengucapkan selamat sambil lalu, tapi ucapan dia kali ini sedikit berbeda. untuk pertama kalinya dia manggil saya dengan sebutan "adikku tersayang"

dan masih banyak ucapan yang lain. saya tau beberapa memang hanya basa-basi, tapi ya gak papa. doa yang baik-baik akan selalu didengar Tuhan kok :)
so happy birthday for myself. the path ahead may not be easy but i know that i'll make every single dream comes true.

older. (should be) wiser.

problems

everybody has problems.
are they hard?
heavy?
or easy?
light?
or you become numb that you cant feel anything anymore?

people said that problems show the strength of the person. the bigger the problem, the stronger the person.
you believe that?
i don't know.
it sounds make sense, sometimes.
it doesn't, sometimes.

remember the power of thought you told me once?
you said, we are what we think.
if you think that your problems are hard, then they are.
if you think that your problems are easy, then they are.
don't you see that they obey you?

you've been going on problems by problems for such a very long time.
i know
it's painful
you fall
you crawl
you stand up
you fight
you okay
but then you fall, again.
and again
and again
and again
i know
you're tired
of trying
of crying
of failing

it's okay to be not okay.

Homesick

dulu, waktu saya SMA, saya pernah tinggal jauh dari keluarga. saya di jogja dan keluarga saya di Salatiga. saya ga pernah homesick sekalipun. malahan, tiap ada jatah pulang sebulan sekali dari asrama, saya malah cari-cari alasan pokoknya gimana caranya supaya saya gak pulang. tetap di asrama. main sama temen-temen. keadaan itu cuma berlangsung selama 2 tahun karena setelah itu saya sakit dan harus balik dan pindah sekolah di salatiga. di salatiga pun, saya jarang banget dirumah. bisa dibilang saya cuma numpang mandi sama tidur aja dirumah.

dan sekarang saya kerja jauh dari rumah. jauh banget. 

and i found myself missing my family so goddamn much. 

i miss my parents and brothers. 

i miss the chaos at home. 

i miss the shouting-each-other because everyone didn't want to do the housekeeping. 

i miss the knocking at my door to wake me up.

i even miss my mom's anger.

and i found that i, actually, can't live far from them.

i feel like i lost my energy booster.

moving far away from home

so here i am.
in the semi-jungle city named Sangatta in east Kalimantan.
few months ago i, finally, finished my thesis and sent my application letter to a mine company. it turned out very well, they accepted me and flew me here.
it's been 5 months since i came here.
and now i'm counting down the days. my birthday, Christmas and New Year are coming, soon.
too bad. i'm gonna celebrate them all alone.

dont give up your dream

Jika kamu punya mimpi, cita-cita dan keinginan, biarkan itu menggantung ... mengambang 5 centimeter di depan keningmu. Agar matamu selalu melihat mimpi itu dan kamu selalu membawanya kemana pun kamu pergi.

setelah itu yang kamu butuhkan hanya kaki yang melangkah lebih jauh dari biasanya, tangan yang bekerja lebih banyak dari biasanya, mata yang menatap lebih lama dari biasanya, leher yang mendongak lebih lama, tekad yang seribu kali lebih kuat dari baja, hati yang bekerja lebih keras dari biasanya dan mulut yang selalu berdoa.

Jangan menyerah. Kuncinya adalah keyakinan.

maka dari itu tidak ada yang tidak mungkin selama kita mau berusaha.

selamat meraih mimpi!

(Taken from: 5 cm)

*thanks to Astri for suggesting me 5cm.

when you're in love

When you’re in love you can do something that you never even think of.

When you’re in love you can do something more than what you think you can do.

You don’t care what your parents said (or warn?)

You don’t care your friends’ advice.

You don’t care about anything.

You only care about him / her.

Sorry to say, but this time your feeling is knocking down your logic.

if not now, then when?

live like you're only live for today, there's no tomorrow! do good now and dont delay it.

use your time wisely. make sure that you make people around you happy.

because we never know whether we're gonna still meet the person we love .

because we never know what's gonna happen to us tomorrow or even 1 minute from now.

dan karena kita tidak pernah tahu kapan harta dan nyawa akan diambil.

hi pacar

pacar,

sudah hampir pagi kenapa kamu belum pulang juga? apa si bos mu itu masih menahanmu?

aku ga habis pikir kenapa bos mu itu masih menahanmu di sana untuk terus dan terus bekerja? toh dia sudah sangat kaya dengan segala merk mobil dan hp nya itu.

pacar,

aku ga sampai hati liat kamu bekerja tanpa hari libur, masih ditambah lagi dengan lembur yang hampir setiap hari. belum lagi dengan jam piket yang ga perlu itu! itupun belum termasuk temen-temen kerja yang seenaknya dan ga tau bagaimana memanusiakan manusia.

pacar,

apa kamu ga lelah dengan pekerjaan mu yang membuatmu demam hampir setiap hari, yang membuatmu ga bisa lagi mandi dengan air dingin karna pasti kamu pasti langsung pilek karena itu, yang membuatmu kehilangan waktu untuk bertemu, bercanda dengan teman-teman dekatmu, yang bahkan membuatmu tidak punya waktu untuk sekedar membersihkan kamar.

pacar,

carilah pekerjaan dengan bos yang berperasaan, yang gak membuatmu demam.

love just ain't enough

I know a man. He's about 24, or 25? despite of his past, he's a good man anyway.

When he was around 18, he met this girl. Then, like other love stories, they felt in love. But no so long after that, they broke up. The girl felt in love with another man and it seemed that the man did the same thing. they dated with another man and girl for about a year. Then 12 months after that, i dont know why, but they agreed to have a relationship like the old times.

This time, they could hang on with each other characters and habit although they fought almost everyday. well, like another young couple right? when mouth and tongue work much faster than brain :)

but in the middle of their love story, the girl got pregnant. they came to the thought to do an abortion but the man loved the baby so much that he didn't have a heart to do so.

they got married.

unfortunately, marriage wasn't enough to stop the arguing between them. The man tried so hard to be mature to save his family though sometimes he failed to do so. while the girl tried so hard to hang on to save her family, convinced herself that everything's gonna be okay though sometimes she failed to do so that she got angry to the man and vice versa.

several months after that, the baby was born. the baby was so beautiful that the man felt in love at the first sight he saw his daughter. Everything was so beautiful when suddenly, out of the blue, the baby was sick.

everyone was panic.

the baby was hospitalized.

the baby couldn't hang on that she died a few days after the man brought her to the hospital.

the man and the girl was so blue. so sad. their worlds were crumbled.

They got so angry,why their daughter left them when they started to think that they actually could start a family?

question that none of them could answer.

Then, they started to blame each other, pointed out each other's mistakes.

Couldn't stand the reality, they got divorced.

brothers in puberty

seperti yang sebelumnya pernah saya ceritakan (pernah cerita ga ya? lupa saya), saya punya adek 2, cowok semua. Yang persis di bawah saya namanya chandra (foto sebelah kanan) dan yang paling bontot namanya putra (tentu aja foto sebelah kiri). Selisih umur chandra dan putra cuma 18 bulan dan sekarang mereka sama udah kelas 3 SMA. kenapa bisa bareng? karena waktu chandra kelas 1 SMA, dia sempat maintenance server setaun, sama seperti saya waktu kelas 2 SMA. tapi ya gpp, human makes mistakes. toh naik kelas terus juga bukan jaminan bakalan sukses.

dulu waktu kecil mereka ini lumayan deket, ya paling ngga sering lah main bareng. sayangnya seiring bertambahnya umur mereka, hubungan mereka juga keliatannya semakin renggang. ya salah satu alasannya mungkin karena memang lagi puber. maklum, ketika puber kebanyakan remaja malah jadi ga deket keluarganya dan jarang berbagi cerita, dan sekali lagi sama seperti saya. dalam sehari chandra dan putra bisa bertengkar berkali-kali, kalau dalam sehari mereka tidak bertengkar itu berarti mereka lagi diem-dieman.

alasan lain dari merenggangnya hubungan mereka mungkin dikarenakan karakter mereka yang memang sangat berbeda. chandra kadang orangnya rada perfeksionis, dia maunya semua serba rapi, walaupun kadang ketika bersih-bersih kamar dan rumah memang masih agak ga bersih sih tapi gpp, paling ngga dia peduli. sedangkan putra orangnya lebih cuek, dia ga begitu peduli kalo kamarnya berantakan, yang penting dia nyaman. hal-hal sepele, seperti beres-beres kamar ini yang sering banget bikin mereka bertengkar.

tapi untungnya, (setau saya) mereka ga pernah bertengkar perkara cewek, karena sepertinya mereka juga punya selera cewek yang beda *thank God*

honestly, kadang saya kangen sama saat-saat waktu mereka akur, bahkan saking akurnya, waktu umur sekitar 7/8 taun, mereka pernah membuat kasur di kamarnya terbakar karena - dengan polosnya - mereka naruh lilin yang menyala di bawah kasur mereka yang hanya berjarak sekitar satu jengkal dari lantai!

saya juga kangen nonton TV bareng sama mereka, karena sekarang kalo chandra di depan TV berarti uta akan ada di kamar dan juga sebaliknya.

saya harap sih, ketika masuk kuliah nanti, emosi mereka sudah lebih stabil jadi lebih bisa menerima sifat dan sikap satu sama lain.

ah cant wait to see that moment :)

know your limit

some people say "burn your limit"

but i myself prefer to say "know your limit". no matter what, we are still human. we do have limitation.

that's why we get angry or upset since we cant be patient all the time.

that's why we cry when we cant bear the pain.

that's why sometimes we give up something.

whether we like it or not,

there's something we cant get

there's something we cant feel

there's something we cant touch

there's something we cant see

there's something we cant taste

there's something we cant find

no matter how hard we try or how fast we run pursuing thing we want

believe me, there's something that is not ours!

I wont be dead by the line!!!

she said the deadline will be on May 10th, 2011, which means 2,5 months from now.

the heart beats even faster as I walk approaching that line. but I'm not scared though. I wont let anything blocks my way. anything!

I'm running, faster than ever!

side by side with the time.

This time, I will reach my finish line. no more delaying.

I only need my feet to step farther.

new day, is it?

well, today is the first day of 2011.

instead of celebrating - having party - get drunk - and hardly can walk, I spent my new year eve at home. with the family.

it started with the news that starts from February daddy will not be working in Borneo, he will move here again with the family. that's good since mommy doesn't have to spend a lot of money to go there visiting daddy.

talking about wishes on 2011. simple.

Graduated. get a job.

I know

I know where i walk

I know where i belong

I know why i run

I know why i hide

I know how it works

I know what i'm fighting for

I know what i'm arguing about

I know what i'm praying for

I know what i'm asking for

I know what i'm trying to

I know what i believe in

I know what i'm doing

and I know why i'm standing here, right now, against you.

do I?

The Four Brothers

Balinese believe we are each accompanied at birth by four invisible brothers, who come into the world with us and protect us throughout our lives.

when the child is in the womb, her four siblings are even there with her - they are represented by the placenta, the amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord and the yellow waxy substance that protect an unborn baby's skin. when the baby is born, the parents collect as much of these extraneous birthing materials as possible, placing them in a coconut shell and burying it by the front door of the family's house. according to the Balinese, this buried coconut is the holy resting place of the four unborn brothers, and that spot is tended to forever, like a shrine.

the child is taught from earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. the brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength, and poetry. the brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. when you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

(taken from: Eat.Pray.Love p.250)

the it means, now i have 8 brothers. i already have 4 brothers with me, i mean the literally-physically brothers then i found that i also have 4 brothers that are already with me everywhere i go even when i was still in my mother's womb.

this four brothers belief is also a basic belief of the four brothers meditation. when you're doing this meditation, you will be able to meet them but it is not that easy, said Ketut Liyer (a medicine man). but anyway, they'are still our brothers though so we dont need to talk in a formal way and we can talk to them anytime.

am i different?

i often have a different point of view and ways of thinking compared to my whole family. and this kind of thing often cause me fight with my brothers or even my parents. well..yea, it also happens to every family out there but i dont know why this thing (sometimes) makes me like isolated from my own family. it feels like i cant reach them. maybe i'm wrong but everyday i prefer to spend (almost) all of time outside so that i dont need to spend a quality time with the family. and i do feel so bad about it.

i take a bath as soon as i wake up in the morning. i dress up and go to campus or working. around 4 pm, i go to my student's home and give him a private teaching session. when the evening come, i usually spend my time with my loved one. everyday i get home after 10pm, take a bath, then sit in front of my laptop working on my assignment till 2 or 3 am. and sleep. when i wake up i always do the same thing.

when Sunday comes, i clean the house in the morning and help my mom cook the lunch. sometimes we share stories and even gossips. but i still feel that sometimes isn't right between me and her.

i do miss my family sometimes. but when i try to mingle with them, i feel lost. i dont know what they talk about. there's also times when i dont even know the topic is and when i ask them, they just blame me for not being home and dont recognize the hottest issue between them. i know i might be wrong, but i try so hard to understand and tolerate everything. well, they might also do the same way but we just dont meet. and once again i feel bad about it.

i do love my family but i just cant stand our fights. well, it might be my fault for not spending enough time with the family so i can not understand them.

but one thing for sure. i love them more than anything.

He still the same God

when i was a kid, I learned that religion was something that (supposed to) puts us together. religion could make all the differences disappear because we are actually the same.
when I grow up, i found out that religion can also be the main reason and factor to separate one from another. the thing gets worse when there is a woman/man falls in love with another woman/man who believes in a different religion. The parents will usually get mad and ask them not to see each other anymore. as a son/daughter, they will feel like they have to choose between their parents and their loved one. they cant have them both.
Because of this thing, many couples prefer to runaway from their family, move to another city or even another country to stay together with their boy/girlfriend (and soon become wife/husband).
in some cases, the parents' heart will melt away as soon as the couples have a son/daughter but there are also many cases where the parents still cant accept their son/daughter even though their son/daughter is already have children.

do the parents know that their rejection is killing their son/daughter?

some parents use the word "protection" and "love" for their reason. but hey, for God's sake, we are grown ups. let us solve our problems in our own way. thanks for giving us the lesson of life and it is the time we apply what we learn.

why is it so hard for you to accept the differences?
even though we call Him with different names and praise Him with different ways but He is still the same God.