Friday, December 31, 2010

new day, is it?

well, today is the first day of 2011.
instead of celebrating - having party - get drunk - and hardly can walk, I spent my new year eve at home. with the family.

it started with the news that starts from February daddy will not be working in Borneo, he will move here again with the family. that's good since mommy doesn't have to spend a lot of money to go there visiting daddy.

talking about wishes on 2011. simple.

Graduated. get a job.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I know

I know where i walk

I know where i belong

I know why i run

I know why i hide

I know how it works

I know what i'm fighting for

I know what i'm arguing about

I know what i'm praying for

I know what i'm asking for

I know what i'm trying to

I know what i believe in

I know what i'm doing

and I know why i'm standing here, right now, against you.


do I?

The Four Brothers

Balinese believe we are each accompanied at birth by four invisible brothers, who come into the world with us and protect us throughout our lives.
when the child is in the womb, her four siblings are even there with her - they are represented by the placenta, the amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord and the yellow waxy substance that protect an unborn baby's skin. when the baby is born, the parents collect as much of these extraneous birthing materials as possible, placing them in a coconut shell and burying it by the front door of the family's house. according to the Balinese, this buried coconut is the holy resting place of the four unborn brothers, and that spot is tended to forever, like a shrine.

the child is taught from earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. the brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength, and poetry. the brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. when you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

(taken from: Eat.Pray.Love p.250)

the it means, now i have 8 brothers. i already have 4 brothers with me, i mean the literally-physically brothers then i found that i also have 4 brothers that are already with me everywhere i go even when i was still in my mother's womb.

this four brothers belief is also a basic belief of the four brothers meditation. when you're doing this meditation, you will be able to meet them but it is not that easy, said Ketut Liyer (a medicine man). but anyway, they'are still our brothers though so we dont need to talk in a formal way and we can talk to them anytime.

Monday, December 27, 2010

am i different?

i often have a different point of view and ways of thinking compared to my whole family. and this kind of thing often cause me fight with my brothers or even my parents. well..yea, it also happens to every family out there but i dont know why this thing (sometimes) makes me like isolated from my own family. it feels like i cant reach them. maybe i'm wrong but everyday i prefer to spend (almost) all of time outside so that i dont need to spend a quality time with the family. and i do feel so bad about it.

i take a bath as soon as i wake up in the morning. i dress up and go to campus or working. around 4 pm, i go to my student's home and give him a private teaching session. when the evening come, i usually spend my time with my loved one. everyday i get home after 10pm, take a bath, then sit in front of my laptop working on my assignment till 2 or 3 am. and sleep. when i wake up i always do the same thing.

when Sunday comes, i clean the house in the morning and help my mom cook the lunch. sometimes we share stories and even gossips. but i still feel that sometimes isn't right between me and her.

i do miss my family sometimes. but when i try to mingle with them, i feel lost. i dont know what they talk about. there's also times when i dont even know the topic is and when i ask them, they just blame me for not being home and dont recognize the hottest issue between them. i know i might be wrong, but i try so hard to understand and tolerate everything. well, they might also do the same way but we just dont meet. and once again i feel bad about it.

i do love my family but i just cant stand our fights. well, it might be my fault for not spending enough time with the family so i can not understand them.

but one thing for sure. i love them more than anything.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

He still the same God

when i was a kid, I learned that religion was something that (supposed to) puts us together. religion could make all the differences disappear because we are actually the same.
when I grow up, i found out that religion can also be the main reason and factor to separate one from another. the thing gets worse when there is a woman/man falls in love with another woman/man who believes in a different religion. The parents will usually get mad and ask them not to see each other anymore. as a son/daughter, they will feel like they have to choose between their parents and their loved one. they cant have them both.
Because of this thing, many couples prefer to runaway from their family, move to another city or even another country to stay together with their boy/girlfriend (and soon become wife/husband).
in some cases, the parents' heart will melt away as soon as the couples have a son/daughter but there are also many cases where the parents still cant accept their son/daughter even though their son/daughter is already have children.

do the parents know that their rejection is killing their son/daughter?

some parents use the word "protection" and "love" for their reason. but hey, for God's sake, we are grown ups. let us solve our problems in our own way. thanks for giving us the lesson of life and it is the time we apply what we learn.

why is it so hard for you to accept the differences?
even though we call Him with different names and praise Him with different ways but He is still the same God.

Friday, December 10, 2010

my birthday but definitely not my day ( at all !)

my birthday. yes! i'm turning 23 today.

everybody wishes that i would have awesome one. well...it seems like God doesn't think the way my friends think.

i woke up with a smile carved on my face. i replied some messages from friends then suddenly my cell phone rang. LTC called and asked me to come to do several things at 11.
i took a bath then i walked to campus. i had an appointment with one of Law Faculty English teacher. i was about to interview him as the source of my thesis but after 60 minutes of waiting, he didn't show up. it was already 11 so i went to LTC directly (without having breakfast!)

when i walked to LTC, my sandal was broken. i just took them off and i walked bare-footed

after doing this and that, i packed all of my things and prepared to go home but a very heavy rain came (and haven't finished until now). i waited again. then, my boss came and asked me what i'm doing and i said nothing. she replied "ok, could you please edit these for me, i need them as soon as possible" then i said yes. (emang bisa jawab apa lagi?)

and now, i'm still here, in my office, doing several things and the heavy rain is still out there. and my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me (for a reason i cant explain here).

today is my birthday. i wished to have the awesome one but i don't.
well...that's okay though :)

so happy birthday dini, older means wiser. keep fighting in order to survive.