own your own heart, or the devil will

pointing your finger at others

putting the blame on someone else's face

talking about someone's weakness behind their back

acting as if you're the one who play everything correctly

blowing up others' mistakes as if you never commit even once!

dancing on else's tears

you know what? 

they forgive you

people whom you put the pain on, they forgive you.

they know that you just don't want anybody looks smarter, nicer, or even greater than you.

that's why they forgive you.

in fact, they put a pity on you.

are you proud of everything you have done?

if your answer is yes, then you don't have a heart.

are you not a human then?

older. (should be) wiser.

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. i had no celebration, no cake, no 'makan-makan'. it's  only me and myself. i still remember my last birthday when my ex-boss told me that i had to work till late at the office, my boyfriend was mad at me, and it rained hard. it definitely wasn't the best birthday. this year, i celebrate my birthday with a cup of coffee and cigarettes. having a silent birthday wasn't that bad though.

Walaupun saya jauh dari rumah, tapi untungnya sekarang teknologi sudah maju. jadi ucapan-ucapan dari teman dan keluarga cukup membuat ulang tahun saya jadi sedikit cerah. tahun-tahun kemaren papah selalu memberi ucapan lewat telepon, padahal ya tiap hari ketemu di rumah. papah bukan orang yang bisa mengekpresikan kasih sayang secara terang-terangan jadi beliau selalu menelpon saya ketika beliau sudah sampai di kantor dan ketika sudah sampai di rumah pun ya tidak pernah membahas bahwa hari itu adalah hari ulang tahun saya. tahun ini, papah memberi ucapan lewat facebook. ucapan dari papah cukup membuat saya terharu dan hampir menangis

kakak saya, glagah, juga biasanya hanya mengucapkan selamat sambil lalu, tapi ucapan dia kali ini sedikit berbeda. untuk pertama kalinya dia manggil saya dengan sebutan "adikku tersayang"

dan masih banyak ucapan yang lain. saya tau beberapa memang hanya basa-basi, tapi ya gak papa. doa yang baik-baik akan selalu didengar Tuhan kok :)
so happy birthday for myself. the path ahead may not be easy but i know that i'll make every single dream comes true.

older. (should be) wiser.

problems

everybody has problems.
are they hard?
heavy?
or easy?
light?
or you become numb that you cant feel anything anymore?

people said that problems show the strength of the person. the bigger the problem, the stronger the person.
you believe that?
i don't know.
it sounds make sense, sometimes.
it doesn't, sometimes.

remember the power of thought you told me once?
you said, we are what we think.
if you think that your problems are hard, then they are.
if you think that your problems are easy, then they are.
don't you see that they obey you?

you've been going on problems by problems for such a very long time.
i know
it's painful
you fall
you crawl
you stand up
you fight
you okay
but then you fall, again.
and again
and again
and again
i know
you're tired
of trying
of crying
of failing

it's okay to be not okay.

Homesick

dulu, waktu saya SMA, saya pernah tinggal jauh dari keluarga. saya di jogja dan keluarga saya di Salatiga. saya ga pernah homesick sekalipun. malahan, tiap ada jatah pulang sebulan sekali dari asrama, saya malah cari-cari alasan pokoknya gimana caranya supaya saya gak pulang. tetap di asrama. main sama temen-temen. keadaan itu cuma berlangsung selama 2 tahun karena setelah itu saya sakit dan harus balik dan pindah sekolah di salatiga. di salatiga pun, saya jarang banget dirumah. bisa dibilang saya cuma numpang mandi sama tidur aja dirumah.

dan sekarang saya kerja jauh dari rumah. jauh banget. 

and i found myself missing my family so goddamn much. 

i miss my parents and brothers. 

i miss the chaos at home. 

i miss the shouting-each-other because everyone didn't want to do the housekeeping. 

i miss the knocking at my door to wake me up.

i even miss my mom's anger.

and i found that i, actually, can't live far from them.

i feel like i lost my energy booster.

moving far away from home

so here i am.
in the semi-jungle city named Sangatta in east Kalimantan.
few months ago i, finally, finished my thesis and sent my application letter to a mine company. it turned out very well, they accepted me and flew me here.
it's been 5 months since i came here.
and now i'm counting down the days. my birthday, Christmas and New Year are coming, soon.
too bad. i'm gonna celebrate them all alone.

dont give up your dream

Jika kamu punya mimpi, cita-cita dan keinginan, biarkan itu menggantung ... mengambang 5 centimeter di depan keningmu. Agar matamu selalu melihat mimpi itu dan kamu selalu membawanya kemana pun kamu pergi.

setelah itu yang kamu butuhkan hanya kaki yang melangkah lebih jauh dari biasanya, tangan yang bekerja lebih banyak dari biasanya, mata yang menatap lebih lama dari biasanya, leher yang mendongak lebih lama, tekad yang seribu kali lebih kuat dari baja, hati yang bekerja lebih keras dari biasanya dan mulut yang selalu berdoa.

Jangan menyerah. Kuncinya adalah keyakinan.

maka dari itu tidak ada yang tidak mungkin selama kita mau berusaha.

selamat meraih mimpi!

(Taken from: 5 cm)

*thanks to Astri for suggesting me 5cm.

when you're in love

When you’re in love you can do something that you never even think of.

When you’re in love you can do something more than what you think you can do.

You don’t care what your parents said (or warn?)

You don’t care your friends’ advice.

You don’t care about anything.

You only care about him / her.

Sorry to say, but this time your feeling is knocking down your logic.

if not now, then when?

live like you're only live for today, there's no tomorrow! do good now and dont delay it.

use your time wisely. make sure that you make people around you happy.

because we never know whether we're gonna still meet the person we love .

because we never know what's gonna happen to us tomorrow or even 1 minute from now.

dan karena kita tidak pernah tahu kapan harta dan nyawa akan diambil.

hi pacar

pacar,

sudah hampir pagi kenapa kamu belum pulang juga? apa si bos mu itu masih menahanmu?

aku ga habis pikir kenapa bos mu itu masih menahanmu di sana untuk terus dan terus bekerja? toh dia sudah sangat kaya dengan segala merk mobil dan hp nya itu.

pacar,

aku ga sampai hati liat kamu bekerja tanpa hari libur, masih ditambah lagi dengan lembur yang hampir setiap hari. belum lagi dengan jam piket yang ga perlu itu! itupun belum termasuk temen-temen kerja yang seenaknya dan ga tau bagaimana memanusiakan manusia.

pacar,

apa kamu ga lelah dengan pekerjaan mu yang membuatmu demam hampir setiap hari, yang membuatmu ga bisa lagi mandi dengan air dingin karna pasti kamu pasti langsung pilek karena itu, yang membuatmu kehilangan waktu untuk bertemu, bercanda dengan teman-teman dekatmu, yang bahkan membuatmu tidak punya waktu untuk sekedar membersihkan kamar.

pacar,

carilah pekerjaan dengan bos yang berperasaan, yang gak membuatmu demam.

love just ain't enough

I know a man. He's about 24, or 25? despite of his past, he's a good man anyway.

When he was around 18, he met this girl. Then, like other love stories, they felt in love. But no so long after that, they broke up. The girl felt in love with another man and it seemed that the man did the same thing. they dated with another man and girl for about a year. Then 12 months after that, i dont know why, but they agreed to have a relationship like the old times.

This time, they could hang on with each other characters and habit although they fought almost everyday. well, like another young couple right? when mouth and tongue work much faster than brain :)

but in the middle of their love story, the girl got pregnant. they came to the thought to do an abortion but the man loved the baby so much that he didn't have a heart to do so.

they got married.

unfortunately, marriage wasn't enough to stop the arguing between them. The man tried so hard to be mature to save his family though sometimes he failed to do so. while the girl tried so hard to hang on to save her family, convinced herself that everything's gonna be okay though sometimes she failed to do so that she got angry to the man and vice versa.

several months after that, the baby was born. the baby was so beautiful that the man felt in love at the first sight he saw his daughter. Everything was so beautiful when suddenly, out of the blue, the baby was sick.

everyone was panic.

the baby was hospitalized.

the baby couldn't hang on that she died a few days after the man brought her to the hospital.

the man and the girl was so blue. so sad. their worlds were crumbled.

They got so angry,why their daughter left them when they started to think that they actually could start a family?

question that none of them could answer.

Then, they started to blame each other, pointed out each other's mistakes.

Couldn't stand the reality, they got divorced.

brothers in puberty

seperti yang sebelumnya pernah saya ceritakan (pernah cerita ga ya? lupa saya), saya punya adek 2, cowok semua. Yang persis di bawah saya namanya chandra (foto sebelah kanan) dan yang paling bontot namanya putra (tentu aja foto sebelah kiri). Selisih umur chandra dan putra cuma 18 bulan dan sekarang mereka sama udah kelas 3 SMA. kenapa bisa bareng? karena waktu chandra kelas 1 SMA, dia sempat maintenance server setaun, sama seperti saya waktu kelas 2 SMA. tapi ya gpp, human makes mistakes. toh naik kelas terus juga bukan jaminan bakalan sukses.

dulu waktu kecil mereka ini lumayan deket, ya paling ngga sering lah main bareng. sayangnya seiring bertambahnya umur mereka, hubungan mereka juga keliatannya semakin renggang. ya salah satu alasannya mungkin karena memang lagi puber. maklum, ketika puber kebanyakan remaja malah jadi ga deket keluarganya dan jarang berbagi cerita, dan sekali lagi sama seperti saya. dalam sehari chandra dan putra bisa bertengkar berkali-kali, kalau dalam sehari mereka tidak bertengkar itu berarti mereka lagi diem-dieman.

alasan lain dari merenggangnya hubungan mereka mungkin dikarenakan karakter mereka yang memang sangat berbeda. chandra kadang orangnya rada perfeksionis, dia maunya semua serba rapi, walaupun kadang ketika bersih-bersih kamar dan rumah memang masih agak ga bersih sih tapi gpp, paling ngga dia peduli. sedangkan putra orangnya lebih cuek, dia ga begitu peduli kalo kamarnya berantakan, yang penting dia nyaman. hal-hal sepele, seperti beres-beres kamar ini yang sering banget bikin mereka bertengkar.

tapi untungnya, (setau saya) mereka ga pernah bertengkar perkara cewek, karena sepertinya mereka juga punya selera cewek yang beda *thank God*

honestly, kadang saya kangen sama saat-saat waktu mereka akur, bahkan saking akurnya, waktu umur sekitar 7/8 taun, mereka pernah membuat kasur di kamarnya terbakar karena - dengan polosnya - mereka naruh lilin yang menyala di bawah kasur mereka yang hanya berjarak sekitar satu jengkal dari lantai!

saya juga kangen nonton TV bareng sama mereka, karena sekarang kalo chandra di depan TV berarti uta akan ada di kamar dan juga sebaliknya.

saya harap sih, ketika masuk kuliah nanti, emosi mereka sudah lebih stabil jadi lebih bisa menerima sifat dan sikap satu sama lain.

ah cant wait to see that moment :)

know your limit

some people say "burn your limit"

but i myself prefer to say "know your limit". no matter what, we are still human. we do have limitation.

that's why we get angry or upset since we cant be patient all the time.

that's why we cry when we cant bear the pain.

that's why sometimes we give up something.

whether we like it or not,

there's something we cant get

there's something we cant feel

there's something we cant touch

there's something we cant see

there's something we cant taste

there's something we cant find

no matter how hard we try or how fast we run pursuing thing we want

believe me, there's something that is not ours!

I wont be dead by the line!!!

she said the deadline will be on May 10th, 2011, which means 2,5 months from now.

the heart beats even faster as I walk approaching that line. but I'm not scared though. I wont let anything blocks my way. anything!

I'm running, faster than ever!

side by side with the time.

This time, I will reach my finish line. no more delaying.

I only need my feet to step farther.